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What Pride and Self-Pity Have In Common

22/04/2013 — Leave a comment

Pride and self-pity are the same thing but different. I bet you’ve never thought of these two in the same sentence (See the first sentence).

All Of Us

We’re all capable of either pride and self-pity at one time or another. In some circumstances, all at the same time. We’re all very good at pointing fingers, ironically in pride, and stating how we’d never be a jerk like the one we’re looking at. We all know the one guy whose ego is so big you see it miles before he arrives or opens his mouth.

On the other hand you know someone who always sees things happening to him. The guy or gal who, as far as they are concerned, all the bad things happen only to them. No one but them…

8084689965 765d1d2f09 z What Pride and Self Pity Have In Common

we’re all capable of either pride or self-pity; none of them are healthy for us and those around us

|| image by Keoni Cabral | cc

 

In fact no one ever seems to care about them. They are the only ones who face challenges. I mean it’s clear everyone else always has it good. How come no one ever sees the pain they’re (always) in? How come no one ever stops to see about them? Like, ever?

If you think any of what you’ve just read is never you, go tell the person in the mirror not only are you a liar but you’re one proud jerk. Stop it.

Focus

Pride and self-pity have the same focus, the person coddling them. Both pride and self-pity say look at me, nothing else. Both say you must do something for me. Pride says, “I’m all that… bow before me.” while self-pity says, “I feel so sorry for me, you don’t seem to feel sorry for me enough”.

The problem with this is you forget that the world is bigger than you. Bigger than your problems.

Pride and self-pity are selfish

Pride will blind you to the fact that whatever reason you justify for being ‘all that’, there is someone better. If you are the best then remember that you could still learn something from a baby in diapers.

Self-pity will have you thinking you’re the only one in pain or suffering, when there is someone worse off than you.

Victims

When you suffer, yes suffer, from pride or self-pity you’re a victim. Either has power to destroy you. Both have power to cloud who you are to yourself and those around you, as your identity becomes what you’re either prideful or pitiful about. In fact, your identity will become your pride or self-pity.

Point

Remember, under the right circumstance, you can easily fall into either. We all need people around us to help us realize when we fall into either and wallow. Just be you. Don’t think any less of yourself but think of yourself less.

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What Leading A Church Has Taught Me About Life And Leadership

17/03/2013 — Leave a comment

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This is a guest post by DJ McPhail, senior leader of Liberty Church. Follow him on @saintdj and his blog.

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After founding a church and leading it for the past 20 years I learned:

God has a purpose for everyone!

  • We are all leaders:

God’s purpose thrusts us all into leadership. Everyone influences someone; thus we are all leaders.

  • Always encourage people to lead:

As a leader, my responsibility and privilege is to respect every person, irrespective of age or gender, and to inspire them to lead in life.

DJ What Leading A Church Has Taught Me About Life And Leadership

DJ McPhail

  • My family is my responsibility:

When it comes to priorities, family is the first arena of leadership. It carries the most profound consequences to a person’s joy and a sense of significance.

  • Most people are not thinking as much about you as you think:

Among those you lead, some will love you, most will like you and few will criticize, oppose and resist you. Be grateful for those who love and support you, be gracious to those who like you and don’t worry nor waste any energy or time on the others.

  • Hold people lightly:

People come and people go. They are God’s children not mine!

  • Never be a threatened leader:

Encourage people to make decisions, show initiative, take responsibility and lead. No one can threaten my job or position, as I don’t have a job. I have a call from God and there is more than enough for all of us to do.

  • Only God:

When I do what I can do for His Glory then He will do what only He can do, and that makes all the difference.

  • Never complain:

Church leaders often complain they are tired and feel used. But they forget that when we met Jesus and were consumed with His love, grace & mercy for us we prayed, “Lord use me”. Stop weeping and start sweeping, serving, and leading!

In Church, Leadership, Life, Ministry, Self Leadership , , , , , , , , ,
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372 Days In Marriage – Meeting Other Marrieds – Part 2

19/05/2012 — 1 Comment

(I’ll start with a disclaimer: I am no marriage expert. My intention is to share our experiences from my perspective so far. I was a little hesitant on posting this one, hope it helps someone or starts conversations and thoughts that do)

This is the second post in the series 372 days in marriage. In the last post I covered some things the never married (and perhaps hopeful) should consider when it comes to marriage. (You can read the post here). Moving on… from encountering the never married we have also encountered some married couples. It is only normal for people to seek commonalities when they first meet or are still somewhat unfamiliar with each other. Beyond asking names we proceed to ask what they do for a living, where they live, where they are from and, you guessed it, marriage and children.

Somehow when people have gone through experiences others have not, they go into “sage mode” and proceed to share their, uh, ‘wisdom’. I am just sharing my experiences, observations and lessons with the hope  it will help someone, start or augment conversations… In short enrich others or at least make for pleasant reading :-).

ring 372 Days In Marriage – Meeting Other Marrieds – Part 2

Besides the never married people Ingrid & I have encountered, we have met married couples married for varied lengths of time with a myriad of experiences. We have married people who no longer share the optimism, commitment and fervor they once had for their marriage and spouses. (Something I find extremely sad.)

On discovering we have not been married as long as they have the couples go into “sage mode”. They proceed with attempts to dampen the passion and fervor they see in our marriage and in the marriages of others like us. Matter-of-fact statements such as, “wait till you’re married as long as we have” characterize these couples as admission to some kind of giving up on each other and their marriage.

They are not happy with where their marriage but are not willing to do something about it except wallow in that state. It is not my intention to condemn them. In fact, it breaks my heart they are where they are. I haven’t had the courage to ask them exactly how they ended up where they are but after listening to them for a while I made some assumptions and conclusions.

When they started out, they had a picture of marriage which is way better than their present reality. I have not met any couple that got married with the worst wishes for each other and their marriage. I am sure the (now) ‘sad couples’ also had greater expectations and desires for their married lives.

Thoughts:

  • I reiterate, I am no marriage expert, but for the couples facing whatever they are, please do not give up on each other and or your marriage. Do something.
  • Remember, the now sad couples have not been always this way. They were at some point the happy ones. When I encounter the sad couples I take that as a reminder: I do not want a good marriage but a great one. I am reminded not to slack in my marriage, not to take Ingrid for granted but to be intentional in celebrating cherishing her and our relationship. (I will share some of the marriage resources I use regularly soon).
  • Marriage is multifaceted but the people in it are the ones who ultimately determine what is magnified in theirs.
  • As excruciating as it may be to listen to sad stories, do not be quick to run from couples that share their heart-rending experiences. Learn from them. If they are candid and willing find out how they ended up where they are and what they would do differently. Other people’s experiences over years but shared in a few minutes could be a difference between a good and a great marriage. (This is applicable in other areas besides marriage).
illustration by _rockinfree, (cc)

Remember: no single marriage is an absolute representation of what marriage is but what it can be (In the next post, one other kind of couples I’ve encountered and from there simply what I’ve learned in 372 days in marriage. Stay tuned!)

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372 Days In Marriage – For The Never Married – Part 1

07/05/2012 — 4 Comments

So, I’ve had this idea for a while but when I started bettering the drafts I had written a while ago, Ingrid and I had been married 372 days. Hence I’ve decided to call the series “372 Days in Marriage“. I thought to share some of our experiences so far from my perspective. I hope to help those that are considering getting married, give insight from our experiences and challenge the married.

We may not be married as long as some of the people we’ve encountered but I’m sure this may help someone and, as I’ve discovered, help me process some of the lessons I’ve learned. (One of the ways I process things is by writing). I also hope to start and have conversations that will enrich others and our marriage. Let’s dive into the first post of the series!

blessing + ingrid rings1 372 Days In Marriage For The Never Married Part 1

looking at marriage from the outside

A lot of things shape our perceptions. People can engage in lengthy and somewhat gruesome arguments on what something may be really like but nothing beats experience. Then again, people may experience the same thing differently. I should state that I’ve found it rather strange, perhaps funny in a sad way, that some of the “marriage experts” I’ve encountered since Ingrid and I got married, have never been married!

If you have never been married I challenge you to slow down on making judgment or drawing conclusion on what marriage is and is not. Instead choose to be a student of marriage. Ask those that are married. Spend time with them with a desire to simply learn, without looking for evidence to validate your perceptions. (This principle applies to not just marriage but life in general).

Put aside what you think you know about marriage and just be a student. Share your perceptions and allow some of the married people to challenge some of your perceptions without you defending them. You limit your learning when your primary premise is to simply defend what you want or think to be true. If you have never been married and hope to be someday I encourage you to learn and allow your learning to change your perceptions.

Going into marriage with unchallenged ideas about what it is and is not can cripple your start and experience in marriage in general. One of the greatest enemies of young or new marriages is perceptions about marriages that each individual in the marriage enters the marriage with!

Another thing I would highly recommend is closely examining the source of our perceptions on marriage. Our first perceptions on a lot of things, including marriage primarily emanate from our family environment as we grow up. I need to be careful how I say this but you can never conclude what marriage in general is based on simply experiencing your parents’.

I recently read a Facebook status from one of my friends, Lauren, and she said people want to have love or relationships like in the movies, but those relationships only last for about an hour and half to two! Don’t be naive to fall for everything that the culture says about marriage. Some of the celebrities you look up to fail in marriage because they assumed marriage would be like how it was in some of the movies they have starred in.

If you have never been married, stop being a “smart Alec” and get yourself some education from the married. One of the things Ingrid and I did before getting married was speak to married people, spend time with them. (I some cases I made conscious efforts to simply “observe them”). Read as many books on marriage as possible. Subscribe to blogs and read them! Arrogance is one of the worst enemies of learning; when you think you know it all you’re probably arrogant in that regard!

Let me close part one of the series for the never married… Marriage is contextual. There are many pictures of marriage you can get depending on where you look. The reasons for the diverse pictures will also be grossly varied. The point: you should not only be looking around at those that are married on what marriage is like. Instead, look at them and see what marriage can be.

This is probably one of the most valuable pieces of advice you will ever get about marriage. Whatever picture you see is one that can be true of marriage. In your observation of married couples and reading books, magazines and blogs realize the possibility. Let what you see help you formulate your expectations and perceptions. The bottom line: people in the marriage are the ones that decide, consciously or otherwise what their marriage will look like!

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I really would love to hear from you… Let’s talk, leave a comment below.

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UK Riots, Social Media AND The Real Problem

13/08/2011 — Leave a comment

I read a Mashable blog post about Facebook and (Research In Motion) RIM, the Blackberry manufacturer, going to meet UK government officials. The agenda seems to be a result of prime minister, David Cameron’s statement in the House of Commons. According to Mashable, David Cameron mentioned on how, together with some government agencies, they were looking into the possibility of stopping people that were communicating on social media platforms with malevolent intent.

webtreats flickr UK Riots, Social Media AND The Real Problem

My thoughts… Imposing a ban may not really be the solution.  I think it is important to have some regulations and laws in order to protect people. At the same time I think the riots and history has shown that while the law may deter some from engaging in some activities, it will not deter all. Putting a ban on social media could be like putting a ban on the use of cars because bank robbers used it as a means to get away. Traffic laws still exist… There should be regulations… You cannot shutdown a whole transport system because the ‘bad guys’ use it to get about. How different would the UK government be from some of the states they’ve lambasted in implementing some communication restrictions, if they did the same…? That would be hypocritical! It would be sad waste resources to pursue eradication of means to destructive ends that are merely tools. The scope of my post is not the ban or regulations…

Somehow attention seems to be going to social media. As I’ve already suggested, I don’t think imposing a ban on social media is the solution. The problem is not social media per se. Social media is merely an ‘innocent’ tool. It is neither good nor bad. When society is faced with what the UK experienced recently, it is more important to look at why people did what they did and to the extent they went. Not necessarily what they used. The recent events should cause the UK government and other countries around to world to ask, why the riots started in the first place.

One of the issues is that of values. People’s actions are a mere manifestation of their values. Actions will be always lived out based on the values embraced. The majority of the rioters were young people. In the recent years how people were brought up has been used as justification for malevolent action. In this case, I think it may be used appropriately. Before we blame the looting rioters I think society must first acknowledge and own its part in raising generation acting in this manner. This does not absolve the young people of any responsibility. They still had choices to not participate and perhaps start a counter campaign. Some made choices not to give in to negative peer pressure. Some opportunists grabbed at the chance to get things they never broke a sweat to attain.

 The riots are evidence that work, integrity, character, justice, goodwill to others and other values are no longer as highly esteemed. This could be a result of government policies. It could relate to how the young people are being brought up. It could be a result of the promotion of flippant value on things / stuff, they are taught by some bad role models. Perhaps just a heightened selfishness. Maybe all of the above…

 This is a debate I’ve been having with myself. I honestly don’t know the answer. Oh! And before it sounds like I’m out to bash the UK government, let me say it could’ve been any country in the world. I wonder how many other countries or communities around the world, under the right conditions would’ve experienced what the UK has in the last few days. I think the riots and looting should be a wakeup call not just to the UK government, but the world at large.

 We should all be looking at ourselves, as individuals, families, communities, counties, districts and countries and ask ourselves some questions. What kind of communities are we building? What values are we embracing and perpetuating in the lives of the young around us? Why do we seem not to have the courage to address the real issues, but rush to ‘blame’ the tools being used to manifest the fruit of our failure to confront ourselves and our children? The question we should be asking is not what was stolen. It should not be what was used to rally the young people; if the tools used were to be taken away completely, I am sure they would find other means if they were determined. The question should be why and how are we contributing to this denigration of values, as individuals right up to the collective as nations?

 Your thoughts?


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