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372 Days In Marriage – Meeting Other Marrieds – Part 2

May 19, 2012 in 372, Life, Marriage, Self Leadership with 0 Comments

(I’ll start with a disclaimer: I am no marriage expert. My intention is to share our experiences from my perspective so far. I was a little hesitant on posting this one, hope it helps someone or starts conversations and thoughts that do)

This is the second post in the series 372 days in marriage. In the last post I covered some things the never married (and perhaps hopeful) should consider when it comes to marriage. (You can read the post here). Moving on… from encountering the never married we have also encountered some married couples. It is only normal for people to seek out commonalities when they first meet or are still somewhat unfamiliar with each other. Beyond asking names we proceed to ask what they do for a living, where they live, where they are from and, you guessed it, marriage and children. Somehow when people have gone through experiences others have not, they go into “sage mode” and proceed to share their, uh, ‘wisdom’. (I hate to admit, as much as I am sharing experiences, this series kind of has a hint of “sage mode” element to it. I don’t want to sound like I am a marriage expert. I am not. I am just sharing my experiences, observations and lessons with the hope  it will help someone, start or augment conversations… In short enrich others or at least make for pleasant reading :-) ). Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let’s proceed…

Besides the never married people Ingrid & I have encountered, we have met married couples married for varied lengths of time with a myriad of experiences. We have married people that no longer share the optimism, commitment and fervor they once had for their marriage and spouses. (Something I find extremely sad.) On discovering we have not been married as long as they have the couples go into “sage mode”. They proceed with attempts to dampen the passion and fervor they see in our marriage and in the marriages of others like us. Matter-of-fact statements such as, “wait till you’re married as long as we have” characterize these couples as admission to some kind of giving up on each other and their marriage.

They are not happy with where their marriage but are not willing to do something about it except wallow in that state. It is not my intention to condemn them. In fact, it breaks my heart they are where they are. I haven’t had the courage to ask them exactly how they ended up where they are but after listening to them for a while I made some assumptions and conclusions. When they started out, they had a picture of marriage which is way better than their present reality. I have not met any couple that got married with the worst wishes for each other and their marriage. I am sure the (now) ‘sad couples’ also had greater expectations and desires for their married lives.

Thoughts:

  • I reiterate, I am no marriage expert, but for the couples facing whatever they are, please do not give up on each other and or your marriage. Do something.
  • Remember, the now sad couples have not been always this way. They were at some point the happy ones. When I encounter the sad couples I take that as a reminder: I do not want a good marriage but a great one. I am reminded not to slack in my marriage, not to take Ingrid for granted but to be intentional in celebrating cherishing her and our relationship. (I will share some of the marriage resources I use regularly soon).
  • Marriage is multifaceted but the people in it are the ones who ultimately determine what is magnified in theirs.
  • As excruciating as it may be to listen to sad stories, do not be quick to run from couples that share their heart rending experiences. Learn from them. If they are candid and willing find out how they ended up where they are and what they would do differently. Other people’s experiences over years but shared in a few minutes could be a difference between a good and a great marriage. (This is applicable in other areas besides marriage).
illustration by _rockinfree, (cc)

Remember: no single marriage is an absolute representation of what marriage is but what it can be (In the next post, one other kind of couples I’ve encountered and from there simply what I’ve learned in 372 days in marriage. Stay tuned!)

How much happier you would be, how much more of you there would be, if the hammer of a higher God could smash your small cosmos – chesterton

link

372 Days In Marriage – For The Never Married – Part 1

May 7, 2012 in 372, Life, Marriage, Self Leadership with 1 Comment

So, I’ve had this idea for a while but when I started bettering the drafts I had written a while ago, Ingrid and I had been married 372 days. Hence I’ve decided to call the series “372 Days in Marriage“. I thought to share some of our experiences so far from my perspective. I hope to help those that are considering getting married, give insight from our experiences and challenge the married. We may not be married as long as some of the people we’ve encountered but I’m sure this may help someone and, as I’ve discovered, help me process some of the lessons I’ve learned. (One of the ways I process things is by writing). I also hope to start and have conversations that will enrich others and our marriage. Let’s dive into the first post of the series!

looking at marriage from the outside

A lot of things shape our perceptions. People can engage in lengthy and somewhat gruesome arguments on what something may be really like but nothing beats experience. Then again, people may experience the same thing differently. I should state that I’ve found it rather strange, perhaps funny in a sad way, that some of the “marriage experts” I’ve encountered since Ingrid and I got married, have never been married! If you have never been married I challenge you to slow down on making judgment or drawing conclusion on what marriage is and is not. Instead choose to be a student of marriage. Ask those that are married. Spend time with them with a desire to simply learn, without looking for evidence to validate your perceptions. (This principle applies to not just marriage but life in general).

Put aside what you think you know about marriage and just be a student. Share your perceptions and allow some of the married people to challenge some of your perceptions without you defending them. You limit your learning when your primary premise is to simply defend what you want or think to be true. If you have never been married and hope to be someday I encourage you to learn and allow your learning to change your perceptions. Going into marriage with unchallenged ideas about what it is and is not can cripple your start and experience in marriage in general. One of the greatest enemies of young or new marriages is perceptions about marriages that each individual in the marriage enters the marriage with!

Another thing I would highly recommend is closely examining the source of our perceptions on marriage. Our first perceptions on a lot of things, including marriage primarily emanate from our family environment as we grow up. I need to be careful how I say this but you can never conclude what marriage in general is based on simply experiencing your parents’. I recently read a Facebook status from one of my friends, Lauren, and she said people want to have love or relationships like in the movies, but those relationships only last for about an hour and half to two! Don’t be naive to fall for everything that the culture says about marriage. Some of the celebrities you look up to fail in marriage because they assumed marriage would be like how it was in some of the movies they have starred in.

If you have never been married, stop being a “smart Alec” and get yourself some education from the married. One of the things Ingrid and I did before getting married was speak to married people, spend time with them. (I some cases I made conscious efforts to simply “observe them”). Read as many books on marriage as possible. Subscribe to blogs and read them! Arrogance is one of the worst enemies of learning; when you think you know it all you’re probably arrogant in that regard!

Let me close part one of the series for the never married… Marriage is contextual. There are many pictures of marriage you can get depending on where you look. The reasons for the diverse pictures will also be grossly varied. The point: you should not only be looking around at those that are married on what marriage is like. Instead, look at them and see what marriage can be.  At the expense of sounding arrogant I will say that this is probably one of the most valuable pieces of advice you will ever get about marriage. Whatever picture you see is one that can be true of marriage. In your observation of married couples and reading books, magazines and blogs realize the possibility. Let what you see help you formulate your expectations and perceptions. The bottom line: people in the marriage are the ones that decide, consciously or otherwise what their marriage will look like!

I really would love to hear from you… Let’s talk, leave a comment below.

The Artist’s Life [Excerpt]

April 11, 2012 in Excerpts, Life with 0 Comments

Are you a born writer? Were you born on earth to be a painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace? In the end the question can only be answered by action. Do it or don’t do it.

It may help to think of it this way. If you were meant to cure cancer or write as symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children. You hurt me. you hurt the planet. You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.

Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.

only your actions can answer

More Space and Less Things

March 23, 2012 in Ideas, Leadership, Life, Productivity, Self Leadership, Teamwork, Vision with 0 Comments

I enjoy spending time with Ingrid. (Just as well, she’s wife! :)) Counting the number of conversations we’ve had would be a futile exercise. A few days ago we spoke briefly about space and things in our home. It was not a long conversation but, for me, turns out to be one that I am still thinking through. Thus, it has earned a space the “conversations to remember” file. We often encounter things that can grow or equip us in more than one area of our lives but miss them because we look at them at face value. Back to the space subject in our home, and how it can help you in more than one area of your life…

Ingrid and I mentioned something we did not have in our home. (We were not complaining; we just realized we did not have one of them that’s all… The truth is while we may not have a lot we have enough for everyday life…). The conversation:

Me:      …if we got this, where would we put it? There is not enough space in our house for that. We need more space…

Ingrid:  we don’t need more space, we just need less things!

capacity is not only enlarged by getting a bigger space

Boom! Now to how the space conversation in our home can change your life!

The Lesson:

Capacity is not only enlarged by getting “more space” it can also enlarged by getting rid of some things. This principle applies across the board. Instead of rushing to make renovations to your house to make more space for something, you could achieve the more space by getting rid of some furniture. Instead of crying out for more time in your day, reduce the demand on it by getting rid of some things in your schedule. More space can be realized by going on a less clutter rampage. Growing capacity has a lot to do with getting rid of things not just acquiring.

You feel “crowded” because your space has a lot of things in it. Duh! (Substitute “space” for your work, family or social life etc) Another reason you feel overwhelmed is because you really do have too many things in your space. Take the pressure off yourself. You do not need to attend every conference, volunteer for every project. Make peace with having fewer things in your space for clarity and effectiveness in whatever “space” it relates to. Simplifying your life could be about getting rid of some things you do not need. You may not be able to acquire something to change your life but what you may need to do is get rid of things.

Capacity can also be enlarged by getting more space with fewer things. Fewer things in a larger space will have greater preeminence. It is easy for the small things to stand out if they are in a large space and not crowded. There are small things that matter than can easily be out of our sight because small things easy are to lose in clutter. This could be spending time with your children playing silly, which strengthens your relationship with them. You can take time out to think about the little things that matter in the different areas of your life and leadership.

illustration by bootsamurai, (cc)

Question:

I’m still doing the “more space – less things tango” in a lot of areas… What areas do you have capacity issues and what things do you think you could get rid off to make more “space”? 

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